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The Convert
By T. Thompson. From 'The Lancashire Omnibus' 1951: first part – 'Lancashire Pride', pp 38-41, Allen & Unwin.
Tommy Thompson became a popular writer of tales in the Lancashire dialect during the twentieth century, and may be regarded (affectionately) as one of the latest writers to successfully exploit the vernacular. His stories have a wry humour, based almost entirely on dialogue, many of them centred on characters in a barber’s shop. I like ‘The Convert’ partly for its humour, partly for its language (a comparatively modern form of dialect), partly for its economy of words, and partly because it shines light on why Lancashire dialect is now practically no more.
The Convert “Ah want th’ lad to get on,” said Joe Ingham. “Brass is no object. Ah’m not short o’ that.”
“He’s quick-witted,” said the village schoolmaster. “It’s just …”
“Spit it out,” said Joe. “What’s wrong wi’ him?”
“Well,” said the schoolmaster, “his speech is, let us say, too provincial.”
“Tha means he talks too broad,” said Joe.
“If you like to put it that way,” said the schoolmaster.
“Ah don’t know wheer he gets if fro’,” said Joe.
The schoolmaster smiled. “That’s the trouble, anyway,” he said. “If he wishes to get on he’ll have to speak, well, normally. Dialect does stand in his way.”
“Ah didn’t let it stand in mine,” said Joe.
“The times have altered,” said the schoolmaster. “You couldn’t imagine a Member of Parliament talking like Sam does.”
“They’d happen be better if they did,” said Joe. “Th’ lad’s none bowt sense.”
“Oh dear no,” said the schoolmaster. “He’s as quick as any lad in the school.”
“Ah wouldn’t like him to feel shawmed o’ me an’ Martha,” said Joe slowly.
“He ought to feel proud of you,” said the schoolmaster, “in any circumstances.”
“What would tha advise?” said Joe. “Ah don’t want to stand in his way.”
“Send him to some good school away from here,” said the schoolmaster, “I’m sure he will thank you later.”
“Ah’ll talk it o’er wi’ Martha,” said Joe. “Ah never do owt bowt consultin’ her.”
“Quite right,” said the schoolmaster.
“Not as it makes any difference,” said Joe. “Ah do me own road so what hoo says.”
“Quite right,” said the schoolmaster.
So that evening Joe lit his pipe and sat ruminating in his chair.
“What’s bitin’ thee?” said Martha.
“Nowt,” said Joe.
“Tha’rt telling lies,” said Martha. “There’s summat, Ah can tell.”
“It’s Sam,” said Joe. “Th’ schoo’-mesthur says he talks too broad.”
“He allus gets what he axes for,” said Martha. “What’s talkin’ for?”
“He says if th’ lad wants to get on,” said Joe, “he’ll ha’ to talk a bit more bay-window.”
“Who has more brass,” said Martha, “thee or th’ schoo’-mesthur?”
“Times is altherin’,” said Joe.
“If Ah know me own lad,” said Martha, “times’ll none keep him down. He’ll get theer while t’ others are talkin’.”
“There’s none th’ same chances now,” said Joe. “Tha’rt nowt if tha hasn’t a towel round thi neck an’ a little moustache.”
“Well,” said Martha, “what does he want thee to do about it?”
“He wants me to do nowt,” said Joe irritably, “but he advises us to send him away to a posh schoo’ to scrape th’ clinkers off him.”
“Put Sam in a posh schoo’!” said Martha. “Tha might just as weel plant apples in a hothouse.”
“We might just as weel have one gentleman in th’ family,” said Joe. “We can afford it.”
“It’s no good punishin’ th’ lad,” said Martha.
“Punishin’!” said Joe. “It’s no punishment to be a gentleman.”
“It would be to thee,” said Martha.
“It depends what tha calls a gentleman,” said Joe. “Talkin’ posh doesn’t make thee a gentleman.”
“That’s what Ah’m drivin’ at,” said Martha. “He’s a good lad so how he talks.”
“Anyhow,” said Joe, “Ah’m gooin’ to give him a chance.”
So Joe took Sam down to Bredbury to interview the head of Bredbury Grammar School. “Ah want thee to polish him up a bit,” said Joe. “Make him talk proper.”
“We’ll do our best,” said the head.
“Hasta getten everything tha wants?” said Joe.
“Aye,” said Sam. “If there’s owt else Ah’ll manage bowt it.”
The head groaned.
“Ah think he’ll be o’ reet,” said Joe to Martha when he got home. “He seems a reight nice chap does yon mon.”
“We’ll see,” said Martha.
“Ah’ll miss th’ lad,” said Joe.
“Well,” said Martha, “it’s thee as has sent him away.”
“Ah’m goin’ to see him in a month or two to see how he’s goin’ on,” said Joe.
Joe sent a letter at the end of two months to advise the head that he was coming. When he got to the school the head was waiting at the gate, holding Sam by the ear.
“Heigh, thee!” said the head. “If tha doesn’t tak’ this lad o’ thine whoam Ah’ll punce him whoam. He’s getten all the’ schoo’ theein’ an’ thouin’.”
“Preposterous!” said Sam.
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